THIRTY

What is new after 30 years of existence? I would like to believe I became wiser and tamer. But in all honesty, I have no f*cking idea. I wonder sometimes if everything I have gone through and every changes I decided unto are worth it. 

Change is more than enduring a 4-hour painful tattoo session or updating one's zip code to another. I think change sometimes needs constant effort. What do I know about change anyway. I think I am just an ordinary guy who dreamt about making it big but instead found some unimaginably unwavering solace and solitude that make everything worth living in this huge new city. And think as if I made that huge impact in this world.. Hahaha 

If you guys look at my life right now, its not that promising. Not at all. The thing is that I am free, free in the sense that I can decide what coarse to navigate without worrying someone else as a collateral damage if I ever fucked up. Free in the sense also that I can just turn everything in my life in hell easily. You know what am I saying? The control that I have right now is so intensely and insanely mine. No excuses. No bullshits. 

Now, what to look forward to, let say, another 10 years? I am not sure about another 30 years though. LOL. I just wish I can be healthier and embrace vegetarian lifestyle soon. I need it so badly. I love my work, I just wish it will love me too in as much. Gee no relationship please, trust me, I am better off without it. My own place, I have this industrial, pipe exposing and chromed effect fetish for my place. I cant do those things at home because my lease contract doesn't allow me to do major changes.  

So yeah, I guess Happy Birthday to me.

PLAYLIST

While doing my usual work this morning, CAD and designing, I took some time to update my playlist. I was meaning to update it for ages but I think sometimes things like this gets done spontaneously. The plan was to compile songs from the past. 

1. Anthem Of Our Dying Days by Story of the Year - mid of 2004, this song reminds me so much about my stay in my cousin's house in Quezon City. I stayed there for about a year for my Board Review and Exam.

2. Fix You by Coldplay - between 2005 and 2006, it reminds me of that one and a half hour long drive from my hometown Makilala to Davao City. I usually drove alone because of work. I miss screaming and singing inside my car. It's liberating and unwinding.  

3. Don't Speak by No Doubt - around 1997, those times we ran the music booth during High School Days in Notre Dame of Kidapawan College. Need I say no more. Totally classic and I can listen to this over and over again.

4. Meant To Live by Switchfoot - around 2004, it was released July of 2003 and was part of the album The Beautiful Letdown. They have a lot of beautiful songs like "I Dare You To Move" and "Only Hope." But this song really talks about being up there, doing good and just live. This song helped me pass my Board Exam. It really gives you the boost. 

5. Ordinary People by John Legend - from the album Get Lifted during 2004-2005. John Legend has been my personal favorite. This song takes me to the most basic truth about love. This is the reason why I compiled this playlist. It's my major LSS. Songs like "This Time" and "Wake Up Everybody."

6. Cool With You by Jennifer Love Hewitt-released in 2006. This song reminds me about a very good friend from college. She broke up with her boyfriend and I found her inside her room with this song on the repeat mode in her Winamp. That time was so hilarious. It was the day I fell in love with this song. 

7. Here Without You by 3 Doors Down - my major break-up song. No need to elaborate further. LOL

8. Put Your Records On by Corrine Bailey Rae - the summer of 2006. Beach, family and home. It is relaxing and cool. This song makes you snap your fingers and start grooving. 

9. Linger by The Cranberries -summer of 2007, my cousins and I watched IMAGO concert at Jack's Ridge Davao City. The opening act sang this song and he was really good. Everytime I hear this it takes me back to Jack's Ridge and Imago.

10. Say It Right by Nelly Furtado - three words: wednesdays, red, horse!

This playlist is a bit diverse in terms of the genre but all in all it reminds me of faces, places, events and good times. I miss it, I miss my old life, but I am happy where I am right now. I need this playlist to somehow reminds me of my grounds.  

20

20 months of independence and liberation. It was more than enough to have a significant realization of reality, a true reality. I don’t know if there is such thing about true reality, it seems too redundant but sometimes people, especially me for instance, are too blinded for what’s true from a reality which is a product of one’s mind.

20 months of self-deprecating for every pain that I caused anyone. I am guilty. I know that I have to suffer since day 1. I didn’t complain. I just have to go through to what seems to be a never ending maze. But it did end.

Happy 20^th month for me. It will be a better beginning. 

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

LINEAR

I am supposedly taking a break from blogging because I am planning to make this a travel journal and my next major trip will be in August-keeping my fingers crossed. Lately, I have been thinking a lot about relationship and trust me, its the last thing I want to talk about. Since the age of the new "me", I try to be oblivious about almost everything around me except my work of course.

But I have been cursed with the ability to absorb someone else's emotion. Especially those coming from someone close to me - like a friend. So here we go, this is something about love.

What is it with love, something so pure and innocent, expires easily when familiarity and routinary added to the equation. Does it has to be that linear? As simple as y=mx + b? As predictable as replacing variables with certain value and you get love or zero love? If you agree that the aproach of love must not be complicated, as most people anticipate it would be, like the simpliest linear equation that you can find, then why do people messed up? Come on! Love is and always be the exception of the rule, in all cases. Love is constant, not a variable. Whatever you put in the equation and however you want it to run, it will always and should always be equals to love, right?

There is that big misconception about love. It is not love when you start thinking about taking a break or time off from it. It is not love when you can lie from or for it. It is not love when you cant find it in yourself to appreciate it. It is not love when you put it in the same paper of your shopping list. It is not love when you cant prioritize it. And the list goes on. So what is it called then if it is not love? Because frankly we need another word for "almost love". If it is not love then its bullshiting.

So tell me, when can we say love is love? But, is it part of being human to experience the thrill of chasing the so called pure and innocent love? How many of us found it before dying?

BLEEDING

Just because I am tough doesn't mean I won't bleed.
Just because I smile doesn't mean I won't get mad.
Just because I forgive does't mean I won't remember.
Just because I am far doesn't mean I won't listen.

Just because you have money doesn't mean you can buy.
Just because you have everything doesn't mean you have what you need.
Just because you know how to pray doesn't mean you can decieve God.
Just because you are on top doesnt mean you won't fall.

Just because I bleed doesn't mean I am weak.
Just because I cry doesn't mean I am brittle.
Just because I am nice doesn't mean I am dumb.
Just because I bleed doesnt mean I am human.

Just because you know me doesn't mean you can sing my song.
Just because you know me doesnt mean you really know me.
Just because you know me doesn't mean you are a friend.
Just because you know me doesn't mean you bleed.

Just because I am who I am doesn't mean I can be who I am.